Chemistry minus-101

I saw something the other day that was so amazing.

It was a person that either had discovered a loophole in the laws of chemistry or was an incredibly stupid person.

I was in a drugstore buying some useless item. The person in the checkout line in front of me was a larger sized boxy woman with a VFW voice². She had an armload of trinkets and when it was her turn she dumped her load and proceeded to order four packs each of two different types of cigarettes. She paid and left the store.

I checked out and walked to my car. I was sitting in my car writing down an idea that had popped up when the lady with the VFW voice waddled up and heaved herself up into the pickup truck next to me.

This was the same pickup truck that I had noticed during my slow stroll to my car (my stroll was obviously much faster than Miss VFW). I had noticed the truck because the tired looking driver was sitting there with one of those oxygen tubes strung across his face.

I don't know why, but the couple did not drive away. I was in the middle of trying to grasp the concept of going to buy cigarettes by getting a ride from a person on oxygen.

My intense pondering was interrupted by an act that amazed me. The VFW gal lit up a cigarette. She was actually smoking in the closed cab of a truck where oxygen was being used!

Note: Oxygen mixed with a match creates an annoying ball of fire, and if that ball of fire is enclosed in a finite space (like the cab of a pickup truck), the ball of fire can be accompanied by large shards of metal, glass, and people parts.

I drove away as fast as I could. I did take a quick look through the smoke filled cab to confirm that the tired looking man was still wearing his nose-hose, he was, but the inside of the truck looked like a bong.

I am confused about what I saw...

...on so many levels.

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Note 2: VFW Voice: The easily recognizable sound emanating from a person that has been smoking 'a little' since the age of fourteen, usually consumed simultaneously with beer or coffee. Cause: Beer and coffee seem to act as a catalyst that reacts with the smoke to modify vocal cords from their natural flexible condition into extra crispy with an efficacy rate of more than 98%.

Symptoms: When you hear a 35 year old gal with the interesting voice of Lead Belly, Rod Stewart, or George C. Scott, then that is a VFW voice.

Oil of Olay and Beards

We were enjoying a wonderful Christmas dinner that had been prepared by Mia. Beth and I were asked about the place that we "are staying at". Beth and I are staying at a horse farm in Marlborough with Noel our housemate, two cats, and American dog, a French dog (who seems to bark in English), and eight very beautiful show horses.
One of our dinner companions, I'll call him "Paul", started telling us about a neat guy that he met in Marlborough that he liked, which is something to be noted because "Paul" isn't particularly fond of very many people. He was buying a large quantity of hay from a fellow named Karl. When we heard "Karl" and "Hay" and "Marlborough" in the same sentence we figured out that Karl was possibly the same Karl that normally lives right here in this house. We haven't met him yet because being of above average intelligence, he is still down in warmer climates enjoying winter the way winter is supposed to be enjoyed.
Well Paul and Karl seemed to really click. Somebody asked Paul how old Karl is.
Paul waved his hand and said "Oh, he's about the same age as me".
I leaned over to Jenny and said "Well that really narrows things down".
.
Let me explain how Paul looks. He is tall, has great hair that he wears rather long. It is gray.
He has very bright eyes and wire-rimmed glasses. He doesn't really talk or smile unless he is required to, so he has a minimal amount of wrinkles, in fact, I can't recall seeing ANY wrinkles.
His skin is smooth and healthy looking. All two inches of it. There is about a one inch patch on each cheek that is not covered with fur. He has a very long beard and an even longer mustache.
He wears his fur proudly. It is one of the few things in his life that he has total control over and dammit he's gonna grow it as long as he wants to. It looks good, it's clean, it covers him completely. So you have his hands, his cheeks, and his eyes. That is not very much to use to make an estimate of age from. You could probably check out his teeth if you knew how, but I would be very careful doing that. Beth is probably the only person that Paul would show his teeth to anyhow. He looks healthy. He's cranky enough that you would suspect that he has been around for a while. There really isn't any other way to determine his age. He's ageless. Someday we will all go "Ooooooooh" when we read his obituary.

So you see, Paul's comment about Karl being his age didn't really narrow anything down.
So after my "Well that really narrows things down" comment to Jenny, Paul asked me what that meant. I replied that saying that Karl was the same age as Paul means that "Karl is somewhere between the ages of 40 to 80". Paul said "thanks a lot", but what he didn't realize is that it also is a compliment because of the 40 thing at the lower end of the scale. I really have no clue how old Paul could be. Karl's age is not a mystery to me anymore. Noel was talking about Karl today and mentioned his age. I asked Noel to repeat it. Paul the bearded one seems to have a problem telling the age of other bearded people too. I may not know how old Paul actually is, but at this exact moment Karl and Paul are probably not the same age even though they may look like identical twins. Karl is seventy nine. I wonder how old Paul is. I wonder how old Paul thinks Karl is. I sure wish I could grow a beard.

3 hours in Asheville

Howdy:

First of all Beth and Warren let me tell you how much I enjoyed meeting you both last night at one of Asheville's fine pseudo Mexican restaurants. I must admit, if I ever had real Mexican food I wonder if it would taste like chicken. Doesn't everything?

My life today was to be filled with such fun tasks as paying people money that they are owed for services such as ummm gas, phone, insurance etc. Then I saw your business card may I say 'card of distraction' sitting on the ledge next to Trish's keys.

I got up to stretch and just looked at the clock. I have been playing around your website for over 3 hours. I thank you. It was well spent!!!!

Someday, I will share with you my year of trying to figure out what I was going to do with my life. In that time, I asked people I knew where they wanted to visit me when I moved and I checked those places out. Along the way I went to the 'Price is Right' just to see hottie Bob Barker and was a raft guide on the New River. (Didn't say I was a good raft guide…we swam a lot… almost lost a prosthetic leg). In the end it was Lake Tahoe, Albuquerque and Asheville. I have been here about 5 years. I tell people I moved here because of the three, it is the closest to my folks in Ohio and that is true. However, there is just something about this place that was a soft place to land.

So, I will be following your sight, laughing at the photo's and learning about your life on the road. Thanks for sharing it all. I have loved these 3 hours. By the way, I don't believe you when you said you were sitting in the grass in Brooklyn, NY. Is there grass there? And… the guy with his Subaru… I am telling you it probably worked for him helping pick up chicks!

If you are still around here…. Brevard, NC is home to the white squirrel. Not an albino squirrel but a true white squirrel. I have never seen one anywhere else.

Finally, don't know if Trish told you this. She bumped eating dinner with her sister last night because she wanted to get together with you two again. After meeting you, now I know why.

So, I will be reading now that i am up to speed. Trish and I will be talking about you more and more as we read your blog. You always have a place to stay here. We have an extra tent... just a joke. Trish can sleep in it.

All the best…..
Pam F

Rachel wants an accent.

Kinder's Great Eats, Mitchell, Eastern South Dakota.

This is an All American eatery. The laminated menu has little flags under the plastic to emphasize any food item that is particularly patriotic. After 10pm there is a Quarter-Pound Burger with Fries for the price of a gallon of gas as shown on the big red letters at the station across the highway, they have discontinued the same offer for a two egg breakfast because the price of gas went over $2.99 and it wasn't a good deal anymore.

There are only three tables occupied, our waitress is a tall young girl with a natural gentle soft beauty that makes it impossible to guess her age, somewhere between 18 and 38. She takes Beth's order. As soon as Beth stops speaking our waitress asks "Where are you guys from?". Beth answers "New Hampshire". The waitress pouts and says "I want an accent!", I am not sure, but I think she stamped her foot. I spoke for the first time, "You DO have an accent!". She was still pouting, "but it's just PLAIN, I want a GOOD one!".

Our waitress then explained that there is a couple over at the other table right over there that are from Massachusetts and they have a strong accent, "but NOT like YOURS, of course" she said to Beth (this is not the first time that it has been suggested that Beth may have a strong accent).

Our waitress has not traveled much, but would like to go somewhere to pick up a "good" accent to use. We chatted about the best places and possible techniques to acquire an accent.

We wished her luck, and I ordered my food. It was actually surprisingly good food.

2007-08-22_1:58pm/ Written 2007-08-26_7:45am

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Chris S said...
Warren and Beth, It is such a great joy to read your stories daily. Thanks!
If you are looking for more small towns to visit, Susanna's brother lives about 2 hours South of Mitchell in Pickstown, SD. The town is full of people who also might want an accent.
Also, the town was built by the Army Corp of Engineers in the 40's to house the people who built a huge dam across the Missouri river. The dam is a neat sight.
Also the church was built to accommodate 3 religions with a rotating alter. Very unique.
Let me know if you want directions or details.
Chris S (#2)
Aug 27, 2007 10:17 PM
I gotta find out more about that church! (ww)

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Betsy Alice said...
Just a note to let you know that I read your about your travels as often as I can in the land of the strong accent. Dial-up is darn slow! Too bad you didn't get the name of the waitress. Rob has a tape called "How to Speak New Hampsha". It's very good!
Miss you both, love, Betsy
August 28, 2007 9:40 AM
Guud Ideah! I used to work for the company that made that tape, I'm going to try to find one and ship it to her. I think they still sell it at the stationary store in Petersburgh. (ww)

December 25, 1974

It's early Christmas morning 1974. Beth and I are driving in our Ford Fairlane through North Attleboro Massachusetts. It is gently snowing and there are no tracks in the snow. There are no people walking around and there is absolutely no sign of anybody anywhere. It is beautiful. It is very cold. We are heading to the family home in Sheldonville. Everybody there will be awake, we think.


We are listening to WBCN on our FM converter through the car's AM radio. This is the pre-ClearChannel days of radio, back in the days when the DJ's didn't use a script and could play music that they wanted to play.


The DJ is talking very quietly. "Hellooooooo?"

"Is anybody listening?"


He explained that he was the only one on staff that didn't have other obligations on that particular morning so HE had to be there, talking to no one. He was wondering out loud if anybody at all was hearing his voice. (This is before DJ's pre-recorded their shows). We had no way of letting him know that we were listening (this is before mobile phones) ... (boy, it was like caveman days, wasn't it?).

Beth and I got to our gala Christmas morning with our family and the lonely DJ was probably still talking to himself.

I have always remembered that guy. I wish I could let him know that we heard him.

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Now Beth and I am cruising across Greenup, Illinois towards our destination of Kentucky. It is the end of August, and although there is a lot of flooding around, there is no signs of snow.

I am wondering how many people are actually reading this.

I have NO idea whether there are four of you or forty.

I would like you to contact me to let me know you are there.

If you are reading this I would like you to do me a favor:

I would like you to send me an email with your name.

Only send one per reader, but if there are multiple people on your computer reading this, then could EACH one of you send me an email, unless they didn't read this post, then just "Shhhhhhh, this will be our little secret."

I will NOT do anything with your emails, it is just for a RollCall.

I would hate to be putting a lot of effort into something that only two people actually read, in that case I will just send occasional emails to THOSE people and not waste time with formatting, maintenance, and all that other stuff.

Thank You,

(The DJ)

Please DO IT NOW, otherwise it may not get done. 40 seconds, tops.

I'll distract your co-workers or family members with my fancy whistling while you type. Go ahead do it NOW.

Aug 24, 2007 12:34 PM

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Mary said...

We check in with the adventure every few days. Harry and I took a trip, nowhere near as long, 34 years ago and still remember the lovely freedom of "where shall we go next"?

I am sorry to hear about Foxy, she had a long and good doggie life.

Mary

Aug 24, 2007 8:50 PM

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Will said..
I'm Will and I read it. My mom does too but I dont know if she will send an email. Dan does too.
Aug 25, 2007 4:03 PM

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Anne said...
Hi Warren and Beth!! Just wanted to let you know that all of us here read your blog and love the pictures!!! I am probably the only one who will e-mail you however because I check up on you guys every couple of days and they gather round to read over my shoulder. We all really enjoy following you on your adventure, [ I am really an arm chair traveler at heart.] The pictures are awesome!! and you have a really nice writing style! So I am sure you have a lot of people who are interested in what you are up to, we certainly are. We miss you a lot, so it's nice to be able to follow along and see where you have been and where you are headed.
We are all so sorry to hear about Foxy, she had a great life with you and she was lucky to have been loved by you both and Derek. I was thinking of that time you all came over to the camp on Nubi and Becca was at the house with her and she was very concerned that there was something wrong with Foxy, she was doing her circle dance and Becca thought she was having some kind of seizure and didn't know what to do! Anyway she was a cute little dog and we are sorry that she is gone. Well. everyone here sends their love and hellos!! take care!!
Anne, Wes, Graham, Derek and Rebecca
Aug 25, 2007 3:49 PM

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Harv said...
Beth and Warren: Absolutely - Doreen and I are here...HELLO....HELLO....HELLO???
Please, count us multiple times...I relay stuff to all at the office...and we're having a wonderful, vicarious time...with you in your Fairlane, or yourCorvair, or your Honda...and we're REALLY, REALLY enjoying the ride...so,please keep it coming...and have a continuing, safe trip to who knows where...
Love from us...Harv, Doreen and the APA folks and the Kids...and the dogs, in memorium (and sad to hear about Foxy...sorry for your loss)
Aug 26, 2007 4:15 PM

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Chris C from NC said...
......... i'm reading.
Aug 26, 2007 4:54 PM

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Ted said...
I'm here... but there's no snow...
I’ve kept up with your adventure, and enjoyed every vicarious moment…
Miss you both. Love, Ted

Aug 26, 2007 8:16 PM

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chemo-sabe said...

roll call roll call!!!!!!!!!!!!! Even if you only had me (aren't I enough!!! :-), you NEED to do this for prosterity. Ok, I'm selfish. I want it for me!! I'm bummed that I'm losing my summer to chemo but I get to have this great vacay vicariously with 2 of the coolest people on the planet!!You have no idea how great this blog is. I almost had a hissy fit when you said you had a notebook full of unpublished stuff!! I wanna read it all!!!!!!!!! I'M GONNA BE FIRST IN LINE FOR THE BOOK!!!!!!Bottom line is, the world needs our Warren and Beffrie. Don't disappoint us!!! WE LOVE YOU!!!I'm so freaked at the thought of this going away, that I'm not even being coherent. :-)

I love you much

Chemo-sabe
August 27, 2007 8:47 AM

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Jenny said...

aye Captain, i'm on deck, assuming your crew includes friendly pirates.

arrrrrye.

jenny
August 27, 2007 10:24 AM

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???? said...
I'M REAAADINGGGG DONT STOP!!!!
Aug 27, 2007 9:40 AM

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Linda said...

Hi Beth and Warren, I am here and I read your site each time I sit at my desk and have lunch! (instead of going to the gym, walking down to the harbor, dining out with friends, shopping, etc.). Since I can't be traveling all the time (like some people) I live vicariously through their efforts - great job! I hope you guys are having a great time! Since I've never been out in the northwest/western part of the country I can't give you any destinations, but I was glad that you made it to Butchart gardens in Victoria. Betsy and Bill took us there a few years ago, and if I had know you would be up there I would have recommended going to Salt Spring Island (where Bill lived) and to Vancouver - a fantastic city!

I did do a report in the 6th grade on Montana and really loved the information that they sent me when I requested it, so I always wanted to go there.

I always enjoy seeing Beth's smiling face-love the cowboy! You too Warren, but we don't see yours as often….

I just got back from 2 weeks vacation so I need to catch up. Have fun you guys - take care!

Love Linda
Aug 27, 2007 2:42 PM

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Chris S said...

Warren and Beth, It is such a great joy to read your stories daily. Thanks!

If you are looking for more small towns to visit, Susanna's brother lives about 2 hours South of Mitchell in Pickstown, SD. The town is full of people who also might want an accent.

Also, the town was built by the Army Corp of Engineers in the 40's to house the people who built a huge dam across the Missouri river. The dam is a neat sight.

Also the church was built to accommodate 3 religions with a rotating alter. Very unique.

Let me know if you want directions or details.

Chris S (#2)

August 27, 2007 10:17 PM

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Betsy Alice said...
Just a note to let you know that I read your about your travels as often as I can in the land of the strong accent. Dial-up is darn slow!

Too bad you didn't get the name of the waitress. Rob has a tape called "How to Speak New Hampsha". It's very good!
Miss you both, love, Betsy
August 28, 2007 9:40 AM

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I'm listening... So keep the posts coming! Lots of love, Brad M.

Aug 29, 2007 10:52 AM

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Dear Beth and Warren,

I can't tell you how much I, for one, am enjoying your travelogue!

It is really giving me WANDERLUST!!!!

I am such a devoted follower of your trip that I view ALL of your pictures (which is almost as time-consuming as yourtrip since I have DIAL-UP internet!!!!)

Anyway, you guys seem to be truly enjoying yourselves and having awonderful adventure!

I had wanted to send you an e-mail for quite sometime but my computer had gone down and I lost your e-mail address (and cellphone number) so I am really glad to be able to get in touch with you! (I am far from computer literate to figure out how to add comments to your postings.) I have truly identified with some of your pictures - last fall I was in California and went to Hearst Castle & recognized it right off the bat, also the beach with all of the elephant seals, and I have a couple of pictures of the same jellyfish at the Monterey Aquarium! I'm not sure where you are going to be this coming Saturday (Sept. 1) but Iam going to be flying into Omaha, Nebraska mid-afternoon to visit with 4 of Dennis' aunts in Omaha until the following Saturday (Sept. 8). Just in case you are in the area, the aunt I am going to be staying with is named Jo K_____ and her phone number is (xxx) xxx-xxxx. I am so happy that you guys seem to be having a truly phenomenal adventure and life will probably be so BORING once you finally land after your thousands of miles of travel but I can't tell you how HAPPY I am for you!!!! Take Care, Have Fun and "keep on keepin' on"!!!!!!

Diane C

Aug 29, 2007 10:25 PM

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I Miss you both... and I read you.
Haven’t been to the web site these past few days (longer absence than normal) but I do so much follow your notes, travels, comments, pix and perspective. I find that its always refreshing, often very insightful, sometime poignant, and, of course, your unmistakable, terrific humor. Miss you both so very much! Love, David W.
Aug 29, 2007 2:05 PM

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Read your blog at least once a week. Enjoy it very much!!! Take Care, Anna
Aug 30, 2007 12:03 PM

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I love reading your blog. Lots of love, iggy

Sep 2, 2007 5:32 PM

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Vicky said...
Beth & Warren, I'm here and I'm reading. I just found out about the site yesterday and I'm amazed and in awe of your adventure. I'm not done reading everything, but I'll be reading furiously and catching mom up on all of your antics when she gets here tomorrow.

Love you guys tons, Vicky (and Tiff and Paul too)
September 3, 2007 2:24 PM

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Helpful People in SD

I would like to add a quick note thanking the VERY helpful people that we have found in the Visitor Centers. They are bubbly, cheerful, love their jobs and love their state. Derek & Roz at a KOA campground were VERY helpful. South Dakota has a four CD audio guide that costs $5. It is very good. You pay $20 and if you mail it back in the enclosed envelope they will send a check for $15. It is a brilliant idea. The New England states should do the same. There are a few southern states that we have been to that would require a 27 CD set because the talking is done at a more leisurely pace. There are not a whole lot of towns close to the main highway that jets through the center of South Dakota and the folks in these towns probably do not really like these people that are screaming through their state without dropping any cash, but their visitor centers and THIS campground are friendly. Now don't get me goin' about the folks runnin' the KOA two nights ago in western SD. Why they were the...............

The Crowd Pleaser.

[Missoula, Montana]

This man was getting a haircut at the same time that I was.

Today he was going to the fair and jump a Subaru.

He was asked to clarify this, was he going OVER the car or was the CAR going over something?

The car was going up a ramp at 40mph and would be airborne for an unspecified amount of time.

Was there going to be a landing ramp or just the level ground?
“Just the ground” he said proudly.

I asked “how high up do you think the car will go?”
He thought about fifteen feet. (I thought that sounded painful.)

While we were both getting our haircut I found out a few more details.
It's called a Tough Truck Competition. It is a whole course in an arena with a lot of bumps, corners, moguls, and a jump.
Last year he did it in his truck and the frame broke behind the cab so the whole truck was in a vee-shape dragging on the ground between the front and rear wheels.
THIS year he is better prepared. He's got a Subaru.

He shortened the steering column to give more slamming room for his chest and he removed 450 pounds worth of unneeded stuff. He has a harness, but he didn't mention a rollcage. (The rollcage may have been sacrificed in an effort to reduce weight and increase flying time.)

When he was registering for the race the guys were shocked when he said his truck was going to be a Subaru, but after the laughing and snortin was over they said that they “had heard that those for'en cars can take corners pretty good”.

... Yes, he gets paid.
“$500” he says with a big grin.

... Yes, there is a prize for the winner of the Tough Truck Competition but he's not even trying to win, he's just doing it to please the crowd.
The BIG Jump.

Jump higher and land harder than anybody else.

“It should work. I think I'll be okay.”

“I'm just doing it to please the crowd!”

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COMMENTS
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chemo-sabe said...
Obviously, this dude never heard of the Darwin Awards!!!!

Love you guys!!!!!!!!!!!

chemo-sabe

August 24, 2007 8:55 AM