Random thoughts about a friend I never met.
2007-08-02 Thursday, traveling across the plains.
To the friend I never met:
I probably never met you, but my good friend Sherman worked with you every day.
He considered you one of his closest friends. Today is not a good day for Sherm either.
Being a few thousand miles away makes it more difficult for us to lend the support to Sherm that I would normally want to give, and of course he has to be at work today.
I've experienced what it is like to look at an empty chair at work. When do you go near the "Greatest Dad" coffee cup, and the pictures on the wall. The silent pause when somebody calls the unattended phone before they realize why nobody is answering. You will be missed at the power plant by your coworkers but work goes on. My concern is your family. I am very sorry that you died last night, but am relieved that it was quick. It is better for them to miss saying goodbye than it is to have to say goodbye over and over for a prolonged period.
I wish I knew you and I am kind of glad that I didn't.
There are many comforting things that people say to help friends and family try to justify an accident like this.
I've run out of excuses, no wisdom here, it sucks, it just plain sucks.
We can't avoid motorcycles, we can't avoid driving.
In these modern times civilians die from traffic accidents or bridge collapses.
One hundred years ago it was a boiler explosions (NYC could have six per day), workplace accidents, or the flu that wiped out millions in the USA ninety years ago.
Two hundred years ago it was common to die from a blister on your heel or from food and water that was just a "little too organic".
It sucks, but if I had a choice, I would probably do it the way you did, even though you didn't have a choice.
May your family find peace.
Good Luck in whatever you are going to be doing in the next life.
I hope you lived a good life here. It's time to rest.
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To my pal Sherman,
Your friend was lucky to have worked with you. He is still lucky to have you as a friend.
His wife doesn't know how lucky she is to have you as a friend-in-law.
Last night was probably awful for you and Kay, and knowing you, a good amount of time was spent trying to figure how you are going to help the family.
You will be an enormous help, but you will be much more help to them if you delegate. Find the phone numbers of their circle of friends so that you can call them with your deepest "Father Brian" voice and REMIND them to contact the family - again. Bully them if you have to.
Your experiences with losing Justin helped us deal with losing Derek in more ways than you could know. You will be able to force this knowledge that you have on the other members of the hive surrounding your friend's family. It will be your wedding gift to your friend.
Sherm, you had warned us about the drift-away phenomenon just a few days after we lost Derek. Thank you. It's heartbreaking to have close friends hug you at the funeral and then walk out of your life. Some resurface a year or two later when they feel that "the subject may not come up" but it's obvious that the others are gone forever. People are odd. (Note 1)
Now we all have to worry about his wife and kids.
Sorry Sherm. (It sucks. )
Call me when you have to crab or cry about it. Beth and I are here like you and Kay were for us.
I didn't know your friend but he was my friend-in-law once removed. I grieve with you.
Beth and I quietly participate in a ritual that Rasta-Charlie taught us while we were in the West Indies the Christmas after we lost Derek. In the West Indies it is traditional to spill a splash of your drink on the ground to share with your departed friends. (We found that it is tough on the carpeting so we only do it when we are outside.)
Tonight we will be arriving in Montana.
Nook, Eileen, Beth, and I will each open a beer, look out at the mountains:
One splash for your friend,
One splash for your friend's family,
One splash for you and Kay,
One splash for Justin,
One splash for Derek,
and the rest of the drink will be a reward to ourselves for making it this far in life.
We will savor it.
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New Day, I begin...
(yer pal, warren)
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Chisel the good times in stone and write the bad times in the sand.
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Note 1:(for non-Sherm readers)
This problem of reshuffling friends is a preventable heartache.
It is bad enough to go through the loss without also feeling abandoned for reasons that you don't understand at all. Don't let it happen to someone you know.
In our case Kathy, Stu, and Andrew forced themselves on us. They went from a 'see them once or twice a month' family to a "oh god, they'll be here at six o'clock again tonight" type friends. They provided the sanity when we were not able to. It's very difficult to commit suicide if your friends are planning to do something with you tomorrow.
They literally saved our lives.
I hope I can pay it forward to someone else.
Please force yourself on someone you love if they need it. They might push back, but just assume that you are thinking clearer than they are. You might not be, but what the heck. They don't really mean what they say, remember, they're crazy. Maybe crazier than you are.
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Disclaimer: I wrote this while we are driving across WashingtonState towards Montana.
There has been NO editing for the "insultability quotient".
Please DO NOT BE INSULTED. I was just rambling. It makes me feel better.
I will delete this post tomorrow if I should.
Thanks for listening.
warren
PLEASE DO NOT DELETE/EDIT THIS POST!!! All across America, your readers will take pause and consider the fragility of life, how precious it is, how precious friendship is. And will no doubt in whatever belief system they adhere to will join together in a moment of prayer, or good thoughts or whatever--just to BE with Sherman, his friends and loved ones. It doesn't matter that we don't know them.Tonite I'll go home and pour out a libation for Sherman's friend, for Derek, for the one thing that never dies...love.
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